I have PTSD/Anxiety Disorder (the Americans with Disabilities Act classifies PTSD as an Anxiety Disorder). And how do I know this? After a really big/acute exacerbating event in the not-so-distant past I finally sought help and received a mental health diagnosis (but only after YEARS of chronic suffering). In that moment I finally admitted that something was not right and I wanted/needed to feel better. I first reached out to my MD who prescribed a medication. Then I went to a gifted therapist who really helped me to do the TOUGH work of healing. And it’s tough work. And it can be painful work. And it is sometimes endless work. And, for as much as I HATED dental school I might be tempted to redo dental school before facing my inner demons (umm, no, just kidding, because dental school probably exacerbated my symptoms HORRIBLY). But you might get the point: overcoming mental illness can be hard work. To make things even harder our American society has a hard time accepting mental illness. We who are suffering are labeled as weak, pansy-asses, freaks, dangerous, unworthy of respect, unworthy of trust, unworthy of responsibility, etc. I would argue that to risk healing is WORTH THE REWARD!!! To feel a semblance of life and wholeness again is so worth it. And I would argue that people working through mental illness are some of the strongest people on the planet due to all the issues we must juggle at every moment of every day. Sadly, though, many people are unable to start the journey toward healing and that is a horrible reflection on the state of our American society.
So how did I develop mental illness? Probably many factors led to and/or predisposed me to its development. Was it my multiple head concussions coupled with a traumatic brain injury where I lost all feeling on the whole left side of my body (akin to a stroke) that gave me a susceptible brain? Maybe (and the research jury is still out on that one). Too much gluten before I knew it was poison for my body? Gluten is known to cause tremendous anxiety issues. Family history of anxiety and depression? Another big maybe. But through therapy I was led to a buried life event: I was wrongly accused of causing a medical mishap that led to the death of a patient (that news was delivered to me by a powerful person within an office with the door closed…). Kinda tough for a young person to handle. And only now, decades later, do I remember how HORRIBLE that was. But I totally blocked it out and mental illness has a NASTY habit of being caused by a repressed memory/emotion. And so I bumped along through life and certain events would trigger a response within me (such as when a colleague pulled me into my office and threatened me with bodily harm…yep, blocked that one out of my mind for MANY years and started having flashbacks about it this morning and, sadly, I have FREAKED OUT for so many years at just the thought of being alone in an office with someone…especially someone of power). And I’d wonder what the hell was wrong with me, suffer with it, and keep telling myself to man up! Well, I believe all those exacerbations only led me to bigger and darker paths. And unfortunately that tends to be the trend for so many people with mental illness.
So what is mental illness/wellness like for me? Everyday I feel like I’m putting on a bullet proof vest, a helmet, a rain suit, and putting up an umbrella (sounds extreme but I guess one just gets used to things). Daily I do my mental wellness exercises. I read a lot of psychology books. I try to be physically active and in-shape. Oh, and big reveal here…I consume almost no alcohol (oops, I guess I talk a big show) and I can sometimes go MANY months without an alcoholic beverage (and when I do drink it’s only a small amount). Sometimes I long for when I was “normal” (and that can be counterproductive). And I take my medication (fluoxetine) and regularly visit my therapist.
OK, so I’m doing the work, but what does it REALLY look like? Please take a look at the picture above. I love LEGOS. I’ve built LEGO models my whole life. LEGO models come in MANY pieces. And every LEGO model has an end point…it’s a whole and complete object. And sometimes I liken the LEGO endpoint to how I was when I was “normal” and I’m putting the LEGO pieces/pieces of my life back together. And sometimes I liken the LEGO endpoint to a new direction for my battered life where I am putting pieces together to build a whole new and beautiful life for myself. Now, every LEGO model has all of its pieces organized into individual bags. Each bag represents a new part of the build. And as the build progresses subsequent bags are opened and the new pieces are organized and utilized to build toward the endpoint. I liken this to how mental wellness treatment is always ongoing. We reach plateaus. We feel good for a while. But then the healing journey begins anew as more wounds are revealed and more building (or rebuilding) ensues.
Recently I suffered an acute exacerbation of my PTSD/Anxiety Disorder. Knowing my diagnosis has helped me to know more about myself. And knowing my diagnosis has helped me to identify my dark alleys and triggers. But I am still a work in progress. I may not know all my dark alleys and triggers. And no matter how hard I try I am sometimes acutely thrown into situations where I have NO control over how the situation unfolds. This recent exacerbation was one of those bad days for me. The bad days are few and far in between for me (I’m going on two years now). And these bad days are usually triggered by other people’s actions toward me. I don’t blame people for how they react to me or treat me. I am a unique person with unique needs and I don’t react to some things the way most folks do (and SO many people do not understand nor can detect mental illness). Sometimes people with confrontational styles can be very threatening to me. And in these situations people usually just end up getting more and more pissed at me because my defense against threatening people is to freeze up: I am unable to speak, I am unable to move, I am unable to do anything other than look the person in the eye (BTW, fight, flight, or freeze is very real). This can be very upsetting for many people (it can make people more angry which leads to greater threats hurled at me and all this makes me freeze up even more). But in a threatening situation would my adversary rather I freeze up or go into fight mode? Fighting accomplishes nothing and only makes things worse (I did manage to get a Master’s Degree in Dispute Resolution many years ago and we mediators try to practice what we preach when we can). And there is a good chance that all the stress I’ve been under lately only lowered my threshold for a bad moment (this is a very real thing for people with Anxiety Disorder). Big confusing life changes can also predispose me to a bad day (and there have been some big confusing changes in my life recently). I know I have some damage control to do but losing control and ending up in a full blown fight would require much more work.
So I’m having a tough weekend. I am working diligently through all of my mental wellness tools. But even with all that I am having to take a medical leave of absence. It’s a tough pill to swallow. But this is how our society deals with mental illness. I am grateful that I have many resources to help me through this tough time. I have great friends and I have a great medical team. And I have LEGOS (please see the pictures above). LEGOS can be therapeutic. Sorting and arranging the jumbled mess of LEGO pieces reminds me that I am a glorious mess who is a work in progress. All of those LEGO pieces represent the pieces of my mental wellness waiting for something good to happen. And soon I will be building those pieces into an object, a something, a something that’s new, a something that will be better, a something that is closer to being whole.
Please know that mental illness can be treated and transformed into mental wellness. Healing is awaiting. And on this World Mental Health Day (and everyday) I am committed to letting people know of my journey and my message that through a mental wellness healing journey ANYTHING good is possible.
Doc's Writing Refuge 