Sometimes ghosts from my past come to visit. Ghosts: spectral remnants of pain, disappointments, traumas, fears, grief. And those ghosts can be big and scary and overwhelming. It’s as if I’m trying to sail a boat and all of a sudden those ghosts appear on deck and work to scare me more depending on which direction I need to steer my boat. But through therapy I have come to know how to recognize the ghosts and when they make their return. And through therapy and my self study journey I have come to understand that those ghosts can’t hurt me anymore especially if I choose to not allow them to hurt me. They are past feelings that have no basis in what is before me…what’s in my “present”.
My mind and body are exquisitely designed to keep me from harm. And my mind and body are exquisitely designed to learn from experienced harm so that I am protected from being harmed again. This is a trait we all share and has helped humans evolve over millions of years into the exquisite organisms we’ve become. But with PTSD my mind and body have been supercharged into hypervigilance. Genetics? Maybe. The age at which trauma occurs? Evidence is mounting. But some traumas and harms past a certain threshold throw certain people into the cascade we now know as PTSD. And once there those PTSD ghosts can lay dormant without our having any knowledge of their existence as our minds and bodies are exquisitely designed to completely block traumatic experiences from our consciousness. It’s the ghosts that appear for no apparent reason and from nowhere that exert the enduring legacy of our traumas. And the feelings those ghosts create are very uncomfortable and disconcerting. We’re left feeling like we’re losing our minds or going crazy. Substance abuse and/or suicide seem like the only way out (and I absolutely mourn for all our brave soldiers who daily live with this Hell…a terrible thank you gift from politicians who send our children to fight in foreign lands in the name of democracy and freedom and world peace…peace through more violence…state sanctioned violence and killing…bullshit!!!).
I consider myself lucky as therapy has allowed me to know I have ghosts. And therapy has even given me the power to see the faces of my ghosts. I know my ghosts. Are there more ghosts I don’t know about? Likely. But I know some really big ones. I recognize them. Do they creep in and visit without my knowing it? Yes. But it’s the feelings they evoke that let me know they’re visiting again. The feelings lead me to their faces. And their faces let me know what to do about their presence. Will they ever disappear completely from my unconscious mind? Likely not. But their occasional return allows me to learn from them. The ghosts can continue to be lessons. They may be scary lessons but they can’t hurt me. They appear, I let them run their course, I let them dissipate, and then I gain insights. But what was then isn’t now. What happened in the past is not happening now and likely will never happen again. It was a point in time. And my “now” can never be “then” all over again. It’s as if PTSD can be my superpower if I deem it so. PTSD can also be my undoing if I allow that direction to prevail. PTSD as a superpower? Yes, absolutely, as PTSD can bring me knowledge and insights that few will ever know (thankfully) and those insights can benefit both me and society as a whole if shared carefully and properly.
Doc's Writing Refuge 