This is a bit of a tough blog entry for me but I somehow feel very compelled to write it. And I hope this entry doesn’t come across as self indulgent or self loathing or seeking pity, etc., etc., etc. I just wish to be brutally honest (especially with myself) and maybe, just maybe, some good, both for me and others, will come from my outpourings regarding this journey. So, please forgive me if this whole entry elicits a feeling of needing to projectile barf (you’ve been forewarned…stop reading right now, if you wish, before it’s too late!).
Going on two months ago a very horrible something was perpetrated against me. Many know what that horrible something was and I am not at liberty to discuss anything about that horrible something. But that horrible something triggered my suffering/struggling with uncontrollable, horrible, and debilitating panic attacks. With a combination of medications and, now, counseling I am beginning to gain some ground on my panic attacks. This is quite the journey, though, and time, patience, progress, set-backs, happiness, sadness, frustration, elation, discovery, etc., are all part of this journey (one does have to be brave in order to heal). And I am ever so grateful for the outpouring of support from my employer (I have been granted medical leave time for treatment), my colleagues, my students, my friends, my family, and my wife (Saint Kris).
So everyone has shit going on in their lives. I think that’s an unfortunate side effect of living. Sometimes that shit is shit we can live with fairly unscathed. Sometimes that shit can do weird shit to us. And sometimes I think we never realize some of the shit that’s going on in other people’s lives. For instance, a few people might say that I’m kind of an upbeat person every once in a while. Little do people know about the shit I have festering in the background. Huh? Many years ago I was inspired by two books: The Inner Game of Golf and The Inner Game of Music. Basically those books describe how we can deal with our shit and put our shit in the back of our minds so that we can get our shit together so as to perform at our very best. When I’m on stage (I use “stage” as a metaphor for life) I have to have my shit together and for the most part I think I do this fairly OK from time to time. But I’m learning that the horrible something that happened to me probably overwhelmed my coping systems. The horrible something was a trip wire that set off the bombs in my mind. And this is likely what led me into this journey with mental illness. And this same process happens to SOOOOO many people. And it is good and right to get help when this happens.
So what’s been going on in my life (bail out now if you haven’t done so already…here comes the self indulgent shit!)? Let’s go back a year in time (if you’re still reading you are brave!) and look at things in order.
Last year at this time my beautiful Jasmine kitty was still alive. She had significant kidney failure. Further, I needed to test her blood sugar twice daily and dose/administer insulin twice daily to help manage her diabetes (umm, yes, I had to prick her skin to get a blood sample and I had to inject the insulin). She was on a strict diet to keep her kidneys and diabetes in check so she had to be isolated from our other cat’s food. And daily I knew that Jasmine could have a really bad day that would necessitate my having to make a very difficult decision.
Last year at this time horrible body pain ultimately led to my having to become gluten free. Though I may seem upbeat about being gluten free this is sometimes a daily struggle. I have had to change SO many things in my life. And I have to be SO careful. Carefree eating is a thing of the past. Going out to eat on a whim can be daunting. Grocery shopping can be frightening/frustrating. And vacationing can be a downright nightmare when thinking about safe food options (thank God for Disney and their accommodations).
Last year at this time we were moving my wife into her new dental building. This was not without challenges. We were moving everything out of the old office. We were closing the entire practice for at least a week to move and get the new building up and running. We were worried about finances with the practice being closed for a time. We were worried about patients being able to make the transition to the new building. We had city inspection/occupancy issues that threatened to delay opening of the new building (it was silly stuff such as being short one 14 inch by 14 inch carpet tile that had to be ordered…what the fork?!). The bank bungled a bunch of loan paperwork right at closing. We had to cancel and reschedule the closing during the actual closing because we were missing x number of documents from the bank (it was, like, what the fork is this and what the fork are we signing?). We needed to close before December 31st and we were putting the final ink on the closing documents at 8PM on December 31st (Happy New Year).
A friend/colleague unexpectedly moved away.
Extensive and dangerous road construction have made for very long and stressful morning and evening commutes.
A very dear friend passed away. I held vigil at his bedside for days with his wife (also a dear friend) all while the polar vortex raged.
I grieved for my dear friend.
I helped my dear friend grieve/mourn the loss of her husband.
I helped my dear friend put her house and life together after the loss of her husband.
I helped in the planning and running of my dear friend’s life celebration (it was beautiful).
I have been helping my aging parents with their health struggles.
I went on a family vacation from Hell. For instance, due to traffic I almost missed the all aboard for my cruise out of Miami. There was a BIG family fight during the cruise. And the cruise line lost our luggage.
I had to say goodbye to my beautiful Jasmine kitty. To make matters worse, I had to make the decision to say goodbye to Jasmine while I was in the Miami airport waiting to fly home from the cruise from Hell (we boarded Jasmine during our vacation and while at the airport we got the call that her kidneys were in total failure). That was an awful flight home.
A musical group that I performed with since 1991 asked me and another one of my friends within said organization to fire (instruct to retire…but for all intents and purposes it was firing) one of my best friends/mentor who had been playing with said organization for MANY years. After very icky negotiations with said organization my friend and I decided that we would/should not be the people to fire our friend/mentor. Afterwards my friend/mentor was treated HORRIBLY by said organization which led to my decision to resign from said organization. Said organization was my mental rock through so many of my life’s changes and saying goodbye under said conditions was TOUGH and SUCKED!
Repeated asthma attacks led me to withdraw from running the Door County Half Marathon.
My Sulley kitty suffered a horrible bowel obstruction that required our administering multiple enemas (with subsequent HORRIBLE messes). Sulley was ultimately diagnosed with megacolon which means that his large intestine is ceasing to function. Twice daily Sulley receives three different medications to keep his large intestine working and he is on a strict diet. Eventually the medications will cease to work and we will have to decide whether to spend $10,000 on surgery to completely remove his large intestine or say goodbye to Sulley.
My place of employment is perennially short of faculty and I work myself to exhaustion daily. I get quite anxious when I see multitudes of students needing help and I am powerless to do more.
I did some extensive committee work for my place of employment which was very mentally challenging.
Played my last concert with my friend/mentor. Per usual, we drove together to rehearsals. After our last rehearsal together I dropped my friend off at his house and, while driving home, had to pull over as I could not see the road through my tears. I balled all night. My musical life would NEVER EVER be the same again.
I accepted my appointment as a Faculty Liaison to the MUSOD D1 class. This meant extra pressure/nervousness.
I accepted my appointment as an examiner for MUSOD Patient Based Skills Exams. These exams are required for graduation. This meant extra pressure/nervousness.
One of the courses that I help teach received a new course director which upended my ability to comfortably teach that class (tough transition).
I was hit with the sickness from Hell that required two separate rounds of antibiotics and LOTS of albuterol. Sleeping was difficult at best.
Another musical organization that I performed with since 1990 was no longer going to be rehearsing at Carroll University (where I did my undergrad). I’ve been performing in Shattuck Hall at Carroll since 1989 and losing my performing at Carroll was yet another blow to my musical life.
My little Reggie kitty suffered a knee injury and couldn’t walk (he’s better now).
My wife caught my sickness from Hell.
The sickness from Hell resulted in our cancelling two little weekend getaways to Wisconsin’s Door County (very sad…I really needed that time away).
My Hercules kitty fell ill and was wasting away. He was finally diagnosed with inflammatory bowel disease. He is now on two medications daily (one of which is prednisone) and has a very strict diet. We are waiting to see if there is underlying intestinal lymphoma which may require extensive surgery. But at least he’s eating, putting on weight, and generally looking healthy again.
And then there was the horrible thing perpetrated against me.
So, we all got shit going on. Sometimes we can handle it. Sometimes we can’t handle it (and that’s OK). Sometimes things happen that tip the scales toward not being able to handle it (and that’s OK too). Sometimes our actions toward others can take someone’s precarious situation and turn things in a bad direction. Maybe we just need to remember to be nice to people. Or maybe we just need to be respectful toward others. We don’t know the burdens that people carry. And our actions can make or break someone’s day. Kind words and a smile are healing gestures (at the very least they’re comforting). Even our body language can make or break someone’s day.
It’s OK to have shit going on. And it’s OK if the shit overwhelms us. There are really good people out there who can help us when the shit gets too deep. Reach out for help. Life is worth living well and we all can work together to achieve a life lived well.
If you’re still reading this, thank you.
Doc's Writing Refuge 